“Sociologizing makes sense only in as far as it helps humanity in life, that in the ultimate account it is the human choices that make all the difference between lives human and inhuman.”

(Zygmunt Bauman, 2001)

You impacted me more than you can ever imagine. It’s ironic how you spent your last days in church thinking how insignificant you have become to someone whom once placed unshakable belief and trust in you, yet your departure had shaped my leadership and life significantly; more than any other person.

You once told me that my love for the CG and passion for God touched and inspired you, but man, why did I not ever tell you that it was through learning to love you the way Jesus did that taught me how to love out of comfort. It was when you were so busy with your ODAC activities during your JC days that reminded me how important it is to continue believing in someone who is seemingly ‘invisible’ and not give up on those who gave up on themselves. I wished I told you before how ecstatic I was to see you taking small steps to commit to God more; rushing down after CCAs, becoming a shepherd, taking up CG roles and all. Boy, I was immensely proud of you, wished I said it at that time too. All these reaffirmed my belief that there is no such thing as a lost cause or a lost person that God cannot touched.

Yes, you taught me that.

After your departure, many nights I wondered what could have been; the various times you asked me to celebrate your birthday with you, your various attempts to contact me etc. Yet I rejected all these attempts, being blinded by the 10,000 other responsibilities I had, forgetting the covenant of rendering myself available if the urgent need ever arises when I was still in the same ministry as you.

Yes, you taught me not to ever take my relationships with people for granted and never take the words I say lightly as well.

You drifted into A levels away from the church, away from us. Subsequently, the time came when the results were released, and I was in school waiting for the rest of the care group to collect their results when you came up to me to tell me how you had missed your desire grades to enter your dream; the school of medicine. Man, my heart went out to you like crazy, I was sad for you as well, though I’m also unsure of how to approach you.. thinking that I don’t deserve to render any advice to you at that point, since I did not keep my end of the bargain earlier. Thus, I will ask another person in church what course you are applying for, praying that somehow somewhat, you will be considered for medicine and even if not, that God will place you somewhere you can still realize your dreams. With no desire for any forms of reciprocation, I prayed alone during my time of God, wishing and hoping that he will guide you in your life trajectory and one day, in your spiritual path back to him as well.

Yes, you taught me what it means to pray for someone you love, without the norms of reciprocity and how praying for one is the best way to show love to the person.

At last, you came into NUS one year after me. Though busy-ness crowds out one’s thoughts, but whenever I’m in the Faculty of Science I will hope to bump into you. God has other plans though, bringing you to FASS for modules, for lunch at our awesome Arts canteen. Started bumping into you even more this semester, and everytime I see you, the familiar name calling, bad jokes about my weight(haha) and just being able to chat like old friends makes me both happy and nostalgic, with the hope that the opportunity will arise for us to catch up over a meal of some sort.

So now here I am sitting in front of the computer screen typing this, after being able to arrange to meet you tomorrow over lunch. I used to tell myself that my blunders in handling you made you my ‘biggest mistake in ministry’ thus far. But even as I’m geared up to meet you tomorrow, I’m abit anxious yet excited as well. I’m not going to make up for what I have not done or missed out on, nor is it out of obligation, but because I believe that deep in your heart you have not forgotten that there is a God that cares for you and has been standing by you all these while.

And I hope this time when God moves in your heart again, I will be there. Tu me manque ZY

Jontay ‘fei ba’

Being the awesome brother that I am, I look at the clock, realising its already 10.30pm, went into my room after expressing a few disgruntled words of sympathy, headed into my room to have my daily dose of scrubs, feeling no real sense of sadness or pity that the fish i bought had died. (the last animal i had attachment to was free willy you see. haha)

Then my brother made an odd request. “kor, can i bury the fish?’

I looked at him and said ‘Do anything you want, actually just throw away la, burying is so ma fan’

Which at this point my brother just went out to sit at the living room sofa, and continue mourning for his loss. This made me feel terrible and I did something that defied all logic and sense. I went out to offer to bury the fish together with my brother.

Armed with a ladle with a broken handle, I went down with my brother to the grass patch near the fitness corner at 11pm and actually start attempting to dig a hole in the ground with  blunt ladle, muttering non audible complaints and swearing in my heart.

It took pretty long actually, midway through the digging, my bro ran up to the house and grabbed another ladle, pushed me aside and started digging furiously. Then we started digging together, furiously digging away without stopping. After which he buried the fish together with a few pebbles and stones from his tank.

As I stood there looking at my brother putting the fish in its grave and wondering what an awesome brother I am, it actually touched my heart. He spoke to the fish, thanking him for being his pet for 8 years, prayed aloud that he hopes to see him in heaven, and saying his final goodbye.

What seem in the beginning a lame act made me realised a few things.

The childlikeness in my younger brother. He wanted the best for the fish, it’s not something he just chuck away, he actually believed that he is going to see the fish in heaven and prayed for it!? Man, no wonder Jesus said let the little children come to him. The sincerity inspired me while  I can only stand there cursing my own cynicism.

His sincerity translated to commitment and loyalty as well. Despite their obvious differences(my bro is nowhere remotely near being a mermaid/merman), lack of communication, my bro knew that is their relationship as pet and master he treasured, faithfully ensuring that the fish is well-fed, tank cleaned and even having a proper burial right till the end.

Then I realised maybe this is how I need to learnt to treat certain people around me, maybe this is how the care group and church should be, fiercely loyal to one another, supporting one another till the end, and being sincere towards both God and people.

Man, God actually spoke to me through my 10 years younger than me brother whom I believed was born with only one mission: To trample on my nerves which will lead to me exploding and dying one day.

Kudos to Hope kids for nurturing my brother, and

Kudos to God to let me witness the beginning of what potentially could be start of a development of a young, powerful and biblical man.

Jiayou Yu Han.

1. the invariable excitement that having a long awaited boys talk an awesome brother’s fellowship

2. feeling so overwhelmed that god should even call me to teach something on biblical manhood despite my own unmanliness in many ways!

Two nights ago, stayed up late to watch the memorial of michael jackson on cnn live, here is a man who composed many touching songs like we are the children heal the world and man in the mirror. I’m a fan, and for all his achievements and humanitarian-ness(if there’s such a word), this is a guy that defies the long believed notion that you gain respect through talking the walk and walking the talk. Irregardless of whether pass allegations against him are true, i’m pretty sure that he did not exactly live out everything he sang. Yet his music moves many hearts, songs touch many lives, and inspired many others to the extent that more than a billion people tuned in to his memorial service. People will remember him for his music, but for being a biblical man? Probably not…

Christian Ronaldo, bought by real madrid for 80 million euros, unveiled in front of 80,000 adoring fans and every minute as i’m typing, 15 club jerseys bearing his name are being sold, the epitome of a sportsman at his peak. Good looking, rich, young talented. People remember him for breaking sporting records, but as a biblical man? probably not…….( what more, paris hilton dumped ronaldo recently, citing him being overly a sissy)

Then, when I was driving and stuck in a traffic jam, this thought occurred.. Many drivers will be able to empathize, we love to drive barefooted, as it enabled us to fill the pedals better, for example, when i wear shoes to drive at times, i tend to over-accelerate or over-brake as well. 

A true man of God is one who is like the bare foot on the pedal, baring his heart towards God, and obeying the word of God fully, without any layers of stubbornness or pride, so God, though I’m far from it, teach me how to remove my layers of shoes, socks and flip flops.