To the sheep that went missing.

To You:

You impacted me more than you can ever imagine. It’s ironic how you spent your last days in church thinking how insignificant you have become to someone whom once placed unshakable belief and trust in you, yet your departure had shaped my leadership and life significantly; more than any other person.

You once told me that my love for the CG and passion for God touched and inspired you, but man, why did I not ever tell you that it was through learning to love you the way Jesus did that taught me how to love out of comfort. It was when you were so busy with your ODAC activities during your JC days that reminded me how important it is to continue believing in someone who is seemingly ‘invisible’ and not give up on those who gave up on themselves. I wished I told you before how ecstatic I was to see you taking small steps to commit to God more; rushing down after CCAs, becoming a shepherd, taking up CG roles and all. Boy, I was immensely proud of you, wished I said it at that time too. All these reaffirmed my belief that there is no such thing as a lost cause or a lost person that God cannot touched.

Yes, you taught me that.

After your departure, many nights I wondered what could have been; the various times you asked me to celebrate your birthday with you, your various attempts to contact me etc. Yet I rejected all these attempts, being blinded by the 10,000 other responsibilities I had, forgetting the covenant of rendering myself available if the urgent need ever arises when I was still in the same ministry as you.

Yes, you taught me not to ever take my relationships with people for granted and never take the words I say lightly as well.

You drifted into A levels away from the church, away from us. Subsequently, the time came when the results were released, and I was in school waiting for the rest of the care group to collect their results when you came up to me to tell me how you had missed your desire grades to enter your dream; the school of medicine. Man, my heart went out to you like crazy, I was sad for you as well, though I’m also unsure of how to approach you.. thinking that I don’t deserve to render any advice to you at that point, since I did not keep my end of the bargain earlier. Thus, I will ask another person in church what course you are applying for, praying that somehow somewhat, you will be considered for medicine and even if not, that God will place you somewhere you can still realize your dreams. With no desire for any forms of reciprocation, I prayed alone during my time of God, wishing and hoping that he will guide you in your life trajectory and one day, in your spiritual path back to him as well.

Yes, you taught me what it means to pray for someone you love, without the norms of reciprocity and how praying for one is the best way to show love to the person.

At last, you came into NUS one year after me. Though busy-ness crowds out one’s thoughts, but whenever I’m in the Faculty of Science I will hope to bump into you. God has other plans though, bringing you to FASS for modules, for lunch at our awesome Arts canteen. Started bumping into you even more this semester, and everytime I see you, the familiar name calling, bad jokes about my weight(haha) and just being able to chat like old friends makes me both happy and nostalgic, with the hope that the opportunity will arise for us to catch up over a meal of some sort.

So now here I am sitting in front of the computer screen typing this, after being able to arrange to meet you tomorrow over lunch. I used to tell myself that my blunders in handling you made you my ‘biggest mistake in ministry’ thus far. But even as I’m geared up to meet you tomorrow, I’m abit anxious yet excited as well. I’m not going to make up for what I have not done or missed out on, nor is it out of obligation, but because I believe that deep in your heart you have not forgotten that there is a God that cares for you and has been standing by you all these while.

And I hope this time when God moves in your heart again, I will be there. Tu me manque ZY

Jontay ‘fei ba’

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